Let me just start out by saying, I don't mean to offend anyone. I'll just put that right out there. Remember that for later. I went with my oldest child to a 2 night 3 day school camp recently. It was a science based camp and we fished, inspected the organisms in the nearby lake, studied animal habitats and did various and sundry other activities. I was put in a cabin with a total of 9 ten year old girls and one other adult woman who was also there with her daughter. I did know the other chaperone I was with which was really nice.
Upon arrival at the camp we were given instructions to have the girls make up their beds, to eat our sack lunch, get to know one another and then meet up with the group in the Education Building. We unloaded our belongings from the bus and headed in to the cabin which was comprised of about 6 bunk beds and two twin beds for the chaperones. I asked the girls to please choose a bunk, to make their beds and stow their bags underneath. Within 5 minutes I had at least 4 of the 9 girls come to tell me that they didn't know how to make their bed. They needed me to do it for them or at least help them. Let me remind you I was at camp with 10 and 11 year old girls. I told them kindly that I expected given a bit of thought and effort they could probably figure it out themselves or just sleep on the bare mattress and left it at that. My fellow chaperone and I decided to have the girls make up some cabin rules. One of the rules we laid out first thing was short showers. There were 2 showers and 11 people that needed to use them. So we asked the girls to be quick so that everyone could get clean and not be held up for 2 hours. Immediately one of the girls let me know that while that rule would work for everyone else, she would need more time. I was informed that she would need to take all of the time she wanted.
These are two instances that occurred within 10 minutes of arriving at camp with girls of whom the majority were complete strangers to me. This same attitude of helplessness, selfishness and inability continued for the 3 days we were there together. Now I am not saying these children were horrible spoiled brats (except 2 of them, I am saying that about 2 of them) and I'm not saying that we had a terrible time. I am saying that I was completely shocked by the way these girls responded to a situation in which they were required to show some independence and consideration. I understand this was a very small group I was interacting with and I do not believe that this is an accurate sampling of all 10 and 11 year old girls. I know better than that. However I do wonder how wide spread this issue is.
When I give my children a task and they complain that it's too hard or that they can't, which is inevitable, how do I know when to give in and help them and when to say dude figure it out? How do you know when you go from being a helpful instructive parent to a coddling enabling parent? Where is that line? How do we know at what age are certain tasks appropriate? How often do we just take care of things because it is easier to just do it ourselves? I fall victim to that one big time.
I had a conversation with my book club a couple of months ago about what chores all of our children are responsible for. It was extremely interesting to listen to the wide spectrum of parenting tactics and ideas just with 5 different women. Some of us work full time, some of us work part time, some of us are "stay at home moms". We all have to find a way to raise our children, to make our homes function in a manner that is acceptable to us. But I do wonder if we, as a generation of women raising children, are taking more on ourselves because our kids are too busy. Is that what it is? Are we over scheduling our children? They have advanced academics, sports, music lessons and boy scouts so they don't have time to make their beds and do the dishes? Maybe. Is it because of the way we were raised? I was raised to make my bed everyday and to vacuum twice a week and clean the rest of the house on Saturday. My children are held to similar but not quite the same standards. Is it habit? When the kids are little they are physically unable to do these things so mom does it and then as they get older we just continue to do it for them?
Teaching kids how to work is frustrating. The whining, moaning and yelling just to get a half shot job accomplished just makes me want to lose my mind. I'm not asking you to cut off your arm! I'm asking you to clean the mirror that has your toothpaste spit all over it! And half of the time when they load the dishes I have to go behind them and reload so I can fit more than 3 plates in there. It's not fun, it's not easy and it is certainly much easier and quieter if I just go put their clothes away instead of having to ask them 7 times before it finally gets done. However I do not believe it is better. When we as parents do jobs for our children that they should be doing themselves we are actually hurting them more than we're helping them. It's ok to do something you don't like, it's ok not to be good at something, it's ok to have to redo a job you didn't do well the first time around. It's ok when it takes 30 minutes to get the bathroom clean instead of 10 minutes.
Camp was an eye opener for me. My poor children wish I had never gone. I came home with a renewed sense of purpose and our chore chart has gotten longer. It's the worst when mom has an epiphany. I want my children to be competent, contributing adults who are independent and can manage their lives well. When they grow up and move out of my house they can tell their therapist how much their mother ruined their lives but by heck they'll know how to load a dishwasher.
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