I have not been happy the last few weeks, well months really, and I couldn't figure out why. I'm not awesome at self evaluation or reflection and just kind of go through my day to day life being like yeah that annoys me...so does that....oh that's real annoying...I'm annoyed...I'm annoyed...I'm...ANNOYED! I let things build and truthfully I don't know how to not do that because I'm not even aware of it. I'm going a long mildly bothered with people (people being my children and spouse) to completely losing it and not wanting to be around any of them because I'm so done with them. So pleasant.
Last week I went on a trip ALONE to visit an old college roommate. It was the first time since having a child that I've traveled by myself and let me tell you it was just glorious. My husband asked me what my favorite part of my trip was. I had a lot of things to choose from. I was in Pennsylvania so obviously we went to Hershey's Chocolate World, we ate out which is always a favorite, she has adorable little cats and you all know how I feel about cats! Not to mention I was finally with a friend that I had not seen in about 6 years. I told him that obviously other then being with my dear friend my favorite part was the freedom. We came and went as we pleased. Yes we had tentative schedules everyday to be sure and get all the things done we wanted to do in the few short days I was there. But we could just leave. There was no making sure anyone ate or went to the bathroom no making sure I had diapers and wipes in my purse just in case or extra snacks. No worrying about the time so CurlyGirl could get her nap or so that I wouldn't be late getting BuddyBoy from school. We just walked right out the door.
Every night I was there we stayed up talking most of the time it was just laughing and being ridiculous, but sometimes we had some pretty deep self reflecting conversations. And because I finally had the chance to just step away from my life for a bit I could step back and see what some of my troubles were. Ever since I was a teenager I've dreamed of having a family of my own. A husband and children and being a stay at home mom. That may sound old fashioned and feminists might be cringing but that is what I wanted. I've never been a particularly ambitious person. I've never had a drive to do something amazing or had a dream career that I wanted to work toward. I've simply just wanted a family. At 22 I got married and started my family. Now I'm 29 and unhappy with my life.
I think things changed for me when we decided not to have anymore children. It was a prayerful and thought out choice and we both felt like it was the right thing for us. And by decided not to have more children I mean my husband got a vasectomy decided to not have more children. Like I said we were both very happy with that decision but when it happened it became very real. I'm not going to be pregnant ever again. There is going to be no other addition to my family. I've been married for 7 years have a kindergartner and a two and a half year old and that's all. I've realized that my life has suddenly become about everyone else. I've heard women say that after they got married or had their kids they lost themselves and I did not understand that because for me that was the dream! And I didn't think that I really had anything to lose. I'm an introvert, a home body. My favorite is to be alone and read or watch my shows. Going on a random play date to try and meet people is my nightmare. But I understand now. I've realized my books aren't enough I need more in my life I just don't know what.
Going on that trip changed a lot of things for me. It made me realize that I need to do more for myself. That I'll be a happier person if I do more things that make me happy but truly I need the time to figure out exactly what that is. I'm selfish. Part of me wants to go back to Pennsylvania and be roommates with my friend again. But then of course I'm home and think 'oh I'm so grateful I'm here for the Literary Festival' or just the fun one on one time me and CurlyGirl have because I know that time is coming to a close.
My husband is important. We are not just spouses but best friends and working to stay that way can be both really hard and incredibly easy. My children are important I don't think love is a strong enough word to express my feelings for them, it goes so much deeper then that. But you know what? I'm important and I need to find things that will make me happy. Its going to be hard to find the balance of doing things for me and being a good wife and mother but that's something I need to do right now. I need to feel okay about myself and my life. I hate knowing that it's my problem the child in me wants to point the finger and say "No, this is your fault you fix it!" But no. This is my deal and while I have no idea what I'm going to do exactly I've already started to feel better knowing that I'm the one who needs the change I'm the one who can control it.
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