Where do you even begin--Steph

My mom called me to tell me that my cousin's baby was stillborn today. I had just finished putting my 3 babies in their beds for the night and while I was going through that routine, teeth brushing, stories, songs, tickle back, my cousin has no baby. Where do you even being in processing that? She was 40 weeks and had just been to the doctor. She and her husband went in to the hospital to have their baby and there was no heartbeat. As a mother I can't imagine what that would do to you in every capacity. The questioning, second guessing, and guilt that would go along with that. She did nothing wrong, she had a great pregnancy she read the books and followed the doctors orders but the mom guilt is there anyway. She had a miscarriage last year as well and so this was her second pregnancy. My heart is so heavy for my sweet cousin and her spouse. What a complete nightmare.
Stace is pregnant with my new niece or nephew and just the thought of anything happening to that little baby is abhorrent. My mind literally shies away from even going down that path. I was 22 weeks pregnant with my son when one of my best friends lost her baby at full term. I remember sitting down on my bedroom floor and wrapping my arms around my belly trying to protect him. As mother's we are truly so powerless. Very influence but powerless. 
I had to go in my kids' rooms and look at them again.Why is it that tragedy is what causes us to remember and be grateful for what we have? I have struggled  through other things in my life but I have never lost a child and I have never had to feel the wrenching pain of wanting a child and not having one. How do you start to mourn a loss so complete? To have your baby with you every single moment of every day for 9 months and then nothing? I am an incredibly religious person with an unshakable belief in a loving Heavenly Father. I personally believe it is only that faith that could even point you in a healing direction. I would need something bigger than myself to hold onto. 
I've had friends, close friends, who have lost baby's, who have struggled with fertility, who have had children born with medical complications and I admire those women and their emotional strength and fortitude. They fight an internal battle that most people don't see or experience. I love my cousin and I hope that eventually maybe there will be peace. I think I'm going to look at my 3 little loves one more time before I go to bed....